Once I discovered a way to deal with this. And it made so much sense. It helped...up to a point.
It started a little bit like this: why do I bother complaining and making myself crazy with thoughts that aren’t able to be changed? Things that WILL happen. Things you –sadly enough- can’t help.
Although this was supposed to make me feel better, I felt so useless, realizing that we can’t control certain things that ‘just’ happen…and it could/will happen to us.
Once I had a fear of growing old. First time I had this, I was like six years old. I'd count the years I had left with my mommy and daddy (I was so weird...). Then I had it again, seeing photographs of people, family, even myself and thinking: why does time have to pass so fast? Walking down the street seeing older people, wondering how they feel, if it bothers them to be the age they are…Imagining how they were forty years ago, when they were young and full of life.
And then I drifted away to the second part of my ‘thought’: How will I feel twenty years from now? Will I be able to look back at my youth and think I did everything I wanted… And that I achieved all my goals? Or will I regret (I hate that word) that I didn’t do certain things, because I was afraid, or maybe at that time I didn’t think it would be so important making that little, stupid decision.
Another scary though…Is the fact you can’t control your own body. Your OWN body, the body you take care of with healthy food, vitamins and lotions, or the body you try to destroy by smoking, drinking and ONLY eating patat and kroket. It’s funny how you can control your actions, you can make the right choices – the easy choices – stupid choices. Funny how you can control ANYTHING in your life…Where you go, what you’ll do, what you wear, what you’ll eat, who you marry to, what you’ll do with your money, your opinion about things…But in the end it’s not you that decides your destiny. I believe that your destiny is written. Although you choose to go right, even if first you were thinking of choosing to go left..That too, was predicted.
See? Drifting away again. My point was that we can’t control our own bodies. You don’t know when you’ll end up with a deadly disease. You don’t know if it’s growing in you. You don’t know when your heart will stop beating. Isn’t that scary? That you think you’re in control of what you do, but you can fall asleep…and never wake up.
Tonight, you’re expecting you’ll fall asleep on your nice, comfy bed and you’ll wake up at 7 AM to go to school/work/wherever you have to be. No one can guarantee you that! It’s with everything.
Like, when you buy a lottery ticket. Deep inside, you know that there’s liiiiiittle chance you’ll win the lottery, yet you still know it could happen. So you buy it anyway. However, experience have taught you before that you probably WON’T win…But what if you do? It’s a total surprise, even if you already bought the ticket. It’s totally UNEXPECTED. You’re astonished, shocked, ‘cause you didn’t expect it to happen, not so soon anyway.
What does make me feel better, is the fact I know I’m not alone in this. There are billions and billions of people on earth. All going through the same things. Some worse; some are living the good life. But even the most famous actor (Patrick Swayze DIED!), the most helpful nun, the biggest criminal, the worst murderer, the nicest teacher, the most innocent child…Everyone will grow old. Everyone will feel alone at times. Everyone WILL die…
And I’m so tiny, if you think about it. My thoughts don’t even count. I’m (less than) a chromosome in this huge universum we exist in. And when I look up to the stars late at night, I always realize that. And it makes me feel good, because as crazy as it might sound, we're all in this together, we’re all in the fucking same. My problems seem so damn tiny in that moment and I realize…it’s not important. So I WILL party my ass off. I WILL do my roadtrip with Dani and Nora through the USA. I WILL have my piercing, although a lot of people don't appreciate it. Life’s waaaaahaaaay too short to care, so enjoy it.
Carpe diem.
'Always do that thing that scares you.'
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